Dear Kieran - Second Instalment

Hi there, 

It’s time for another instalment of Dear Kieran and we’ve had some interesting questions sent in this week, so here’s my take on them. As always, if you need some help or advice with anything from a business question through to a problem with your love life, I’m here to guide and support you. Just drop me a message over either via our Facebook page Facebook.com/DearKieran or Twitter @Dear_Kieran

Dear Kieran, I've only recently said out loud to myself that I am non-binary with pronouns he/she him/her. I am terrified of how to tell people because I don't want to have to come out again. I hate when I get called a great guy and I don't really like a hey girl either. I like not being referred to by the typical boy girl pronouns but feel very comfortable with being referred to and he/she him/her. I don't know how to tell the people who matter the most to me?

I think the way to look at this is, yes – it’s a scary thing to come out, but if you look back at when you came out the first time, how relieved were you? Being able to live as your true self is the greatest feeling and whilst it may be difficult to start with, once you’ve done it, you’ve done it and you can move forwards living as the authentic you and there is no better feeling than that. If you’re afraid of confrontation, why not do it old school and write it in a letter, that way you can get everything across that you want to, you can either post it to the people you want to tell or use social media as a way to get it out there, you’ll find there are a lot of people out there to support you through this transformation and that’s the key thing to remember, you are not alone, people are there and will be there. The key support may come from long term friends, but it will also come from the loving communities you’ve curated on social media. Be strong, you’ve got this. 

If you’re affected by this issue and want to seek further help, https://lgbt.foundation/who-we-help/trans-people/non-binary offer support and are a fantastic organisation.

Dear Kieran, my ex & I split up just over 3 years ago, we are still friends (with benefits sometimes), the thing is when he has a drink he starts sending abusive messages to me. He’s always really apologetic the next day. He also keeps asking for loans (which he always pays back tbh). I have tried to find someone else & not really enjoying the single life. Should I block him from my life or keep him as a friend? I don’t want to hurt him any more than I did when we split up & I think if I did block him he would end up harming himself. I have asked him to try & get help for his drinking & his mental health but he never did listen to any advice I offered before?

When I started this column I said that my advice would come from the heart, it would be the hard truths if it’s needed and I feel like right now, that’s what you need. You ask, should you keep him as a friend, but to me – what you’ve said is not a friendship, he’s getting sex, money and someone to verbally abuse. What are you getting out of this? Sometimes you need to take a step back and look after number one and from the sounds of it, it’s time for you to fully move on. Block that guy and find someone who appreciated you. Abuse, in any form is not okay and an apology is only as good as the actions that are accompanied. We all have one too many drinks sometimes and become a different person, I’m no different, but when it becomes a theme, that’s when you need to say enough is enough. You are not there to be his bank, his punch bag or his release. If you didn’t want to just straight out block him, you could have the conversation with him, explain why you are doing what you are doing. It’s for you. Someone once said to me, if you keep one foot in the past and one in the future you’ll end up pissing all over today and right now, there’s a puddle in between your legs. Mop that shit up and move on, it’s time. You’ve given everything you can but if after 3 years there’s no change, there never will be. Being single is scary, being on your own is daunting but, it’s better to be alone and happy that with the wrong person. Your time will come, but you need a fresh start, you’ll see that over time, piece by piece will fit together and who knows what’s around the corner. 

I’m in love with my best friend, I think he likes me too but I don’t know and I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship on the off chance that he likes me too, what do I do?

Honesty is the best policy my friend, What if he does like you back and you never say anything? What if he’s sitting there thinking the exact same thing? If your friendship is a strong friendship then even if the feelings aren’t mutual, it’ll withstand you showing your feelings. Maybe don’t confess your undying love for him, go in gentle, try dropping some subtle hints throughout your conversations, watch his body language and see what he does but it’s never a bad thing to admit how you’re feeling. Think about how you’d feel if he got a boyfriend, speaking from experience, that’s a worse feeling – watching someone you have feelings for happy with another guy wishing it was you. Take that chance. 

My mum hates my boyfriend after he cheated and I don’t know what to do because they are both a huge part of my life.What to do?

It’s a difficult one, a mother’s instinct is to protect their children and it will be hard for her, knowing that he’s cheated on you, to accept that and move forwards. All she will want is what is best for you. If you’re able to move past it and work on your relationship that’s a testament to you, but that doesn’t mean your mom will share that same love for the person as you do, especially if, as we do when we are upset, you’ve called her and told her all about it. The best thing here is to have a heart to heart with her, all she will want is what’s best for you and for you to be happy. If you explain that you’re wanting to move past the cheating, then hopefully she will work with you and not against you. That being said – You can not expect her to be 100% with it when you’re probably still her baby. 

I’ve started seeing a guy and it’s been about 3 months now, it’s all going well but he lives in a completely different city. Is it worth pursuing or should I call it a day now? 

Distance is not important, when it’s your soul mate, you’ll make it work. If it’s not meant to be it won’t matter if they are 2 miles away or 200. It’s only been 3 months, give it some time. Who knows what the future holds? At some point yes, you’ll have to have a conversation about living arrangements but that should naturally happen over time. He could move up to your city or you down to his – or a complete fresh start and both move to a new city but there is no time frame on when that happens. If you like each other, don’t throw in the towel over something like distance because that’s something you can overcome. Yes, it’s shitty when you’ve had a crap day and just want to pop over for a cuddle or that Sunday morning horn has kicked in, but when you do eventually see each other it’ll be worth it. You’re asking me so, I’d say hold on, keep going. If you’re looking for long term, love finds a way to make itself work. If you’re not looking for anything serious – then it’s probably time to call it a day and find someone closer to home but have that conversation with him and make sure you’re on the same page. 

Thanks for reading this weeks edition of #DearKieran. Remember to send those questions over to me and I’ll do my best to answer them in the next column: @DearKieran. 

If you’re affected by any of the issues raised in this column, please remember it’s always okay to ask for help, whether that’s from friends, family or an organisation. Together we are stronger. 

Published: 12-Oct-2019: (5597)